


In which a thief is caught red handed

by extracelestial



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Could be seen as either, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, pre-retcon timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 17:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4530378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extracelestial/pseuds/extracelestial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave discovers that someone has been stealing his apple juice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which your livelihood is stolen

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, first off, I make no promises that I can write in general, so the fact that I am writing characters as hard as Dave and Karkat, just makes it that much more plausible that this sucks. I tried with Dave, I just really can't write Karkat for shit, unless he's this suave teasing asshole, or a sweet understanding guy. This also has a lot of bad jokes, please don't hate me. 
> 
> Enjoy my lovelies. Also, I'm planning on writing more homestuck fics.

Walking into the meal block, or kitchen, as it's usually called by everyone that isn't a troll, is never this disappointing. Sure, you've gone in there before to find all the _edible_ food, at least by human standards, strewn around the room. It was on the walls, oozing out of cabinets, and trails of some sort of multicolored condiment was running down the sides of the counter. It was nasty, and nothing, except for the non-destroyed rainbow condiment, that looked like is had freakin bug legs in it, was left in the fridge. 

 

You've been told the 'grubsauce' is highly nutritious and full of proteins, but you don't think even your iron Strider stomach could handle crushed alien bugs, or babies. Either way, no way in hell are you eating that shit.

 

This time, however, when you look in the fridge, which is the final stage of your mission for sustenance, you find zero, zilch, nada. It's a crime that there is no fuckin Doritos on this meteor, but now that your hard earned glass-bottled, heaven-sent drinks are missing, you are out for blood. All of your apple juice is gone.  _All of it._

 

It took at least a month when you first got on the meteor figuring out how to alchemize that shit. You'd think it would be easy alchemizing apples and bottles, but no deal. All that experiment got you was wasted apples, unobtainable in glass bottles.

 

The next thing you tried to do was alchemize apples with a glass hammer. Don't ask why you had a glass hammer, or how you thought that would do anything productive, because you have no clue why you would think apple guts splattered all over the room wasn't the obvious result of that equation.

 

Anyway, somehow Rose got the code for a juicer. She's mysterious, her witchy light powers can somehow create rays of sunshine in your life in the way of a juicer. So basically, you juice your own aj. That is literally a thing you do for apple juice. It's so worth it though. So when someone fucks with your aj, shit is about to get real.

 

Your first thought is annoyance for having to search out whoever took _your fucking apple juice._ The second is more productive though, being the thought to just make more, but that's shit. The perpetrator shall feel your pajama enhanced wrath. Also, making that shit takes forever, because you have to trek to the creepy interior of the meteor to alchemize all the apples.

 

There's also orange juice in the fridge that Rose made, which you could drink, but that's blasphemy, and everyone knows it. Plus, oj is a pulpy, throat-clogging nuisance, that tastes like acidic, liquefied vile. For some reason alchemizing oranges in glass bottles works, which is ludicrous. Oranges are the worst fruits. They are lowly peasants on the bottom of the barrel that is the caste system for fruits. You can't even make pie out of them, which is the basis for all fruit related judging systems.

 

Your journey will be difficult, wrought with injustice and badass fights. You, young grasshopper, are ready.

 

Go forth and find your aj assailant, stop the cruelty against apple kind, save this sweet nectar from the gods from being taken for granted, and most importantly, find the assclown who stomped on your mad juicing skills.

 


	2. In which the search commences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short chapter, but please enjoy.

The number of able-bodied intelligent life forms, cognizant enough to swipe your aj, is easily counted on one hand. There's Rose, your weird bio-sis, who might have stolen your apple juice as a way to test your patience, but she has a vampire troll-babe to make out with, so that's improbable. Juggalo troll is still currently creeping in the vents and has most likely suffocated or drowned by his own stupidity, so he's out too.

 

Mayor, is the best; he would never steal from you. Plus, he only eats green things for some reason. You don't even consider him on your list of treacherous douche bags. Terezi on the other digit, is a raging troll bitch, that wouldn't blink twice before stealing your shit. She's always been cool, but you wouldn't put it past her to swipe your juice, especially since you know your misery is something she would cackle at. Karkat, isn't your prime suspect, but you'd rather ask Terezi if she did it, before he starts yelling. That kid can shatter eardrums.

 

So Terezi it is. After the whole fight with Karkat over who get's to date her when, Terezi has become sort of unattainable to you. The fact that there's a possibility to fight over her time and that it's seen as totally normal, is a huge fucked up loop of no way in hell. That was after the whole clown hate-date thing with her went down.

 

Finding out your sort of girlfriend, had been chewing the face off of a violent murderous clown who lives in the vents at the same time you were sort of dating her, was a little eye opening. You shut that shit down fast. Even if it's not seen as 'cheating', it's still this huge thing that you aren't okay with. The sharing Terezi with Karkat thing was weird enough, even though it also was something you weren't okay with.

 

You and Terezi are cool now though. You continued to be her friend, hanging out, building Can Town with Mayor. She's a rad chick, but you only see her as a friend you are concerned for. Her hate-dates with Gamzee seem to be messing her up, but she has insisted that she's fine, and that it's normal for trolls.

 

 

After the fifteen-second-conversation with her, where she laughs off the fact that you thought she would have the frame of mind to steal your precious apple juice, you find her answer disconcerting and heart warming at the same time. She insisted that she'd never steal from her favorite 'CH3RRY BOY', also she said something about getting ready for Gamzee to come to her room. You absconded the fuck out or there when that news reached your ears.

 

 


	3. In which you are not Terezi and don't have her legislacerator skills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone hasn't already noticed, I am the worst, the absolute worst, when it comes to naming chapters or the fanfics themselves. Like entirely off the scale of bad titles.

This is not working. Confronting anyone else seems like a bullshit idea, so you stop doing that.

Figuring that you didn't want to falsely accuse anyone else of taking your aj, you stage a trap. You don't know why you didn't do this in the first place.

 

It takes about an hour to alchemize all the apples, and another half hour to wash your used bottles and refill them with fresh apple juice. Now it's time to wait. Time to plant yourself on the edge of the counter, unseen by anyone accessing the fridge, and wait for your aj thief.

 

Apparently, not thinking what you are going to do once you see someone stealing your apple juice, is the best plan you have.

 

It's the middle of the night when someone finally comes into the kitchen. You almost fall off the counter half asleep, but you don't, because you would never fall asleep on your stakeout mission. Scooting back into the shadows of the kitchen cabinet above you, you watch the figure stalk into the room and swing the fridge door open.

 

They haven't noticed you, because they absentmindedly reach into the fridge pulling out your apple juice. You just about pirouette off the fucking handle when the short troll with nubby horns, sloshes back your apple juice like a champion alcohol guzzler. The shitstain doesn't even have any respect for your golden nectar, how is this possible? Karkat's an assclown is how. The deceitful little shit has chugged about half of the bottle he is currently holding.

 

Your lack of a plan doesn't seem to hinder you when your words stumble into an obviously rhetorical question. “What kind of midnight shenanigans are you getting up to Karkles?”Jumping down from the counter, you approach him, and observe his reaction. Your teasing comment makes him jump and spill apple juice down his chin and up his nose. The fucker deserves it.

 

“What the fuck, Strider.” he is still spluttering and trying to wipe the sticky juice off of his face and neck. Karkat is still standing there with the fridge door wide open, holding a bottle of apple juice, with wide eyes and a stiff posture. It's pretty funny. The short ball of rage would have normally already cursed you out five ways to Sunday, but he has paused and is still standing frozen. It's most likely from the embarrassment you are sure he's feeling.

 

Snark and coolness are hard to make verbal, but you manage with the next pointless metaphor. “The fuck has just come and gone, Karkles. It has raided my stash and left me with a crippling depravity of basic human needs. Those needs are the gracious nectar from the gods you now posses. The nectar you are now blatantly disrespecting; the nectar weeps for the respect it deserves, but you have shit on any fucking reasonable way that you could redeem yourself to the gods. You've angered the gods Karkitty, and now they are gonna smite you.”

 

Karkat gives you this incredulous look, scoffs at you, and takes another swig of _your fucking apple juice._ “It's just apple juice, Strider. What the fuck is your problem? Don't act like a wriggler.” He grits out. Oh the fucker want's to call you a baby. Well apple juice is _your_ fucking baby, and no one messes with baby. You step up next to him and see him visibly lean away from you. The light from the fridge is lighting up his face, which you can still see drops of piss colored liquid dripping down his cheek.

 

You're about to fuck his shit up. He doesn't see a problem in fucking with your apple juice, and that is not something you are okay with. You lean into his face, while snarling at him. “ _My problem_ , is that it's _my fucking apple juice.”_ You thought you and Karkat had overcome your differences when you had turned down Terezi after the Gamzee thing. Apparently he hadn't. If he's gonna shit on one of the only things you actually like, and not in that bullshit roundabout ironic way, which is actually not even liking it that much. Apple juice is like your sick beats, they don't suck, and are something you actually enjoy. You thought everyone knew that.

 

“Strider, I know that you value this shit at the top of your pyramid of stupid fucking irony, but it's just apple juice.” He _did not_ just call aj shit, it is _the shit._ That is something you cannot abide. Fuck that noise.

 

He does seem to realize that aj is awesome, however, that does not make up for calling it shit. Karkat is seriously starting to grate on your nerves. “Aj is a hot commodity. It is the _hottest_ commodity and is really fuckin hard to make. It is the pinnacle of juice kind, it is at the peak of every pyramid, even snoop can't get ahead in this race. Aj has body checked every other commodity out of the way and stood triumphant at the top time after time. You should know being a Knight of Time and all.”

 

Karkat just raises an eyebrow at you and raises the bottle as he asks “You made this shit?” Oh look, there goes your mouth again. Shit tumbles out of it without warning, or your permission, usually embarrassing shit that you just ramble out at every opportunity it seems. He is still looking at you, and you decide that now would be the time to abscond, and get the fuck out of there. The look he is giving you is really something you'd rather not see.

 

He's got this look in his eye that suggests something just clicked, like he just bypassed the security system that is the Strider facade, and has unlocked the door from the inside. He's brought a baseball bat to wreak havoc within the Strider abode, and that is something you are not gonna stick around for. You turn around, throwing your cape over your shoulder and abscond the fuck out of there.

 


	4. In which the innocent blood of your brothers is kept safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one should let me name their children, I will name them entirely too long homestuck fanfic chapters. Like "hello 'the biggest mistake you could possibly make, but chose to do it anyway' how is your day?"

You only make it a couple steps before you are pulled back by a tug on your cape. Turning around to see Karkat's hand curled around a corner of your cape, you discover that he isn't going to let you get away. Sighing and pivoting fully to look back at him, you find him looking up at your glasses as if he's trying to see through them.

 

When he speaks up again, his voice is gentle and soft, which really surprises you. You thought his only setting was 'loud as fuck.' It seems you both are discovering new things tonight “Dave.” Oh, he said your name, we are in this shit now. We are motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch. Your breathe catches on his next words they are so unexpected, “I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was that important to you, I won't take your juice anymore.”

 

Ripping your eyes away from his, because they are _still looking at you like that,_ you mumble out “It's, yeah, it's whatever. You're fine.” You turn to leave again, but he tugs you back around to face him. Karkat's hand is now gripping the front of your shirt. He holds up the bottle of apple juice, looks at it then at your face again, and shoves it towards you. You finally bring yourself to look at him again, and notice his determined face.

 

Schooling your face back from the almost open-mouthed stare, you gingerly take the bottle from him. Karkat finally lets go of your shirt and turns to head out the other door that leads to his room. Without thinking, your hand grabs the back of his shirt, and you utter out the most unplanned thing to come from this planless confrontation. “If you help me make it, you can have all you want.” His head swivels to look at you and you direct your attention to the corner of his lip where it tilts up in a small smirk. He's not quite smiling, but you think it looks really good on him.

 

When you let go of his shirt, he turns the rest of the way around to step closer to you. “Alright, Stider, you're on, just tell me when.” He sees the way your mouth falls open slightly, and his smirk turns into a warmer smile that transforms his whole face. You think that smiles look really good on him. All of them. Karkat chuckles a little and walks away leaving you the one standing there looking like a tool, but not before he leaves a final goodbye. “See you later, Dave.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a thing that happened. I hope it didn't suck too bad. I don't think I made dave enough of a dork, but whatever. I have a really hard time with Dave's syntax, I can't even do a decent job of Karkat's, as you all can tell because he sounds like an angered version of Kanaya. 
> 
> Tell me what you think, I hope that I'll get around to writing more homestuck.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. On a scale of 'why does this exist' to 'I tried', this is somewhere in between. I hope you all enjoyed reading.


End file.
